If you ever wondered what it’s like being stuck in traffic with a mental illness, just play 10 minutes of Crazy Taxi and you’ll know exactly it’s like. The arcade classic recently made waves on social as fans remembered the fun times they had pretending to be OJ Simpson. The game featured several unforgettable characters, some rather lame. So incase movie theaters ever open back up, here’s your guide so you don’t waste quarters at the arcade.
Dishonorable Mention: Zax
I wouldn’t get in a cab with this meat head. This guy coaches his sons football team just to make sure Zax jr. plays Qb. He wasn’t even going to make the list but his pressed uniform got him an HO spot.
I’m sorry but a man who willingly get’s into a convertible that has leather interior with no shirt on is not someone I’m paying to drive me around. This guy looks like bath salt Jesus.
Gimme a fucking break with these fluffy haired shirtless douchebags. This guy is every Florida rapper that jumps the god damn shark and then can’t get a temp job at an accounting firm.
No we’re getting into cabbies you might actually choose. However don’t be fooled by Cinnamon, she does not shut the fuck up. You’re not a 46 year old Uber driver.
Bixbite had all the intangibles to become a top 3 cabbie of all time. Speed, charisma, flair, he was a true threat on all ends of taxi driving. All of that went to shit however when he decided to connect his sideburns to his fucking mustache.
6. Mrs. Venus
If you called a Lyft and saw Mrs. Venus pull up you would let a loud breath out. You’re not a racist but you know that you don’t know what you’re in for. If there was ever a thing such as toxic positivity, Mrs. Venus is it. What are you supposed to though? Tell her to shut the fuck up to her face? Then you’re on the news buddy.
5. Hot D
Now Hot D is someone you will always ride with. He is, in essence, the male Mrs. Venus. But with him it’s so much more relaxed and not in your face. I guess it’s just Sativa vs Indica.
The only reason Gena ranks so high is because I want to get the attention of her voice actress Lisle Wilkerson. My IG is @voygriffin
Ok, so the top 3 is where the debate is really going to begin. Gus is the OG. A degenerate gambler, Gus always put all his chips in the middle. Grit is in this guys name. None of this exists without him so he is coming in at a strong 3. 1 and 2 however took Gus’ torch and ran with it.
This is the cover boy. The golden child. He is the brand. His skills are undeniable, so much so that he doesn’t even really need to be nice to his customers. You’re in and you’re out with Axel and so he comes in at number 2. If he could fix his temper, there would be a tie for number 1. But, he’s a dick so fuck him.
1. B.D. Joe
Look at that smile. This guy could throw a suit on and say he was Obama and no one could tell the difference. He is who you think of when you think Crazy Taxi, you may have your own favorite guy but if that’s the case then I can guarantee the second person you think of is B.D. Joe. Can only wonder what B.D. stands for?